Science isn't about why, it's about why not. You ask: why is so much of our science dangerous? I say: why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Just a heads up, we're gonna have a super conductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the walls here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do.
All these science spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping, because that's not part of the test - that's asbestos.
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator and it makes a happy face.
That's not a panel; that's a crusher. We sell those too.
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants - not here. At Aperture we do all our science from scratch; no hand holding.
Yes you, box your stuff, out the front door, parking lot, car, goodbye.
The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction. I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger
if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like projection.
They didn't fly into space, storm a beach or bring back gold! No, sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son!
I like your grit. Hustle could use some work though, now let's solve this thing!
Alright this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So word of advice: if you meet yourself on the testing track don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time - entirely. Forward and backward. So do both of yourselves a favor and let that handsome devil go about his business.
Ha! I like your style, you make up your own rules just like me.
Beancounter said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair - did it anyway, ramps are expensive.
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, olympians: you're here because we want the best and you are it. So, who is ready to make some science? Now you already met one another on the Limo ride over so let me introduce myself Im Cave Johnson, I own the place. that eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured she has transfered your honorarium to the charitable organisation of your choice, isn't that right Caroline? She's the backbone of this facility, pretty as a postcard too. Sorry fellas, she's married - to science!
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science. As founder and CEO of Aperture Science I thank you for your participation and hope that we can count on you for another round of tests.
We're not gonna release this stuff into the wild until it's good and damn ready so as long as you keep yourself in top physical form there will always be a limo waiting for you.
This first test involves something the lab-boys call repulsion gel. You're not part of the control group by the way - you get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint, ha ha ha! All joking aside, that did happen. Broke every bone in his legs - tragic. But informative! Or so I'm told.
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one and it does not like the human skeleton.
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice tha lab-boys gave me: [paper rustling] do not get covered in the repulsion gel!
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group, they're telling me I ought to stop making these pre-recorded messages - that gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day!
There's a thousand tests performed every day here in our enrichment spheres. I can't personally oversee everyone of them, so these pre-recorded messages will cover any questions you might have and respond to any incidents that may occur in the course of your science adventure. Your test's assignment will vary depending on the manner in which you have bent the world to your will.
Those of you helping us test the repulsion gel today, just follow the blue line on the floor. Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news: bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
The average human male is about 60% water. Far as we're concerned that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines and see if we can't get you down to 20 or 30 per cent.
For this next test we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumours. Now maybe you don't have any tumours. Well don't worry, if you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants we took care of that too.
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you may have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline - that's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible beam that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is it's working.
Just a heads up: that coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronic activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious, visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
If you need to go the bathroom in this next series of tests, please let test associates know. Because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
If you're allergic to peanuts, you may want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen they're going to have to invent a new kind of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Now if you're part of control group Kepler-7, we planted a tiny microchip, about the size of a postcard, into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test let us know, because that means it's about to hit about 500 degrees so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Alright, we're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.
Now you might be asking yourself, "Cave, just how difficult are these tests?", "What was in that phonebook of a contract I signed?", "Am I in danger?". Let me answer those questions with a question: who wants to make $60? Cash. You can also feel free to relax for up to 20 minutes in the wating room, which is a damn sight more comfortable than the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you. For many of you, I realized $60 is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on, I don't know - Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
So, welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best and you're it. Nope, couldnt keep a straight face. Anyway, don't smudge up the glass down there. In fact, why don't you just go ahead and not touch anything unless it's test related.
Greetings friend. I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science. You might know us as a vital participant of the 1968 senate hearing on missing astronauts, and you've most likely used one of the many products we invented but other people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt...
Thank you, [muttering] I can't believe I'm thanking these people, for staggering through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that humanity is grateful. If you had any belongings, please pick them up now - we don't want old newspapers and sticks cluttering up the building.
Hey, listen up down there! That thing's called an elevator - not a bathroom.
If you're interested in an additional $60, flag down a test associate and let them know. You could walk out of here with 120 weighing down your bindle, if you'll let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, and put you back together. Good as new.
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus oppurtunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you; we're not banging rocks together here, we know how to put a man back together. So, that's a complete reassembly, new vitals, spit-shine on the old ones, plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you ought to be paying us.
Welcome to the enrichment center. Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not. As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up though - first up, conversion gel. Now, the beancounters told me we literally could not afford to buy $7 worth of moon rocks, much less 70 million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground them up, mixed them into a gel, and guess what: ground-up moon rocks are pure poison.
The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So, I have the engineers figuring that one out now. Brain mapping, artificial intelligence, we should have been working on it 30 years ago. I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everyone hears it 100 times a day: if I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place. Now she'll argue, she'll say she can't - she's modest like that. But you make her! Hell, put her in my computer, I don't care.
Alright, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade - make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager. Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons. Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons. I'm going to to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
The testing area is just up ahead. The quicker you get through, the quicker you'll get your 60 bucks. Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?